Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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