Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Randomize
