Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
