I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
