please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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