Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
