I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
