I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
We're facebook friends in real life
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
