When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
