1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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