I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
