matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
