Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
