Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
it's like iHOP with fire
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
