I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
