My first STD was from a foam party
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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