you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
