you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
