The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
