Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
