oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
