I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
So many bounce houses so little time
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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