I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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