I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
