My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I could make wine with my vomit
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
