So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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