Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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