I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
