I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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