you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
