Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
