K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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