Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
