You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
