well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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