I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
