you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
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