so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
