Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
