He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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