Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
