is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
