If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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