Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
