Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
