one word: firstdatebathroomanal
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
