Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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