Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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