I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
