4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
