Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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